Love Lessons from Sliding vs. Deciding Research
We all learn about relationships in different ways. For some, it’s modeled at home by our parents or caregivers. For others, it’s shaped by what we see in movies, TV shows, or from our friends and colleagues. Regardless of how we come to understand relationships, each of us enters them with our own unique perspective and experiences.
However, many of us struggle with how to navigate relationship transitions intentionally. Not all of us had healthy partnerships modeled for us growing up, and even if we did, we may not have been taught the tools to move forward with clarity and purpose. Relationship transitions can be confusing and challenging without a clear sense of direction.
Research shows that when we "slide" through transitions, taking steps like living together or becoming sexually active without discussing them as a couple, we may put our relationships at risk. Couples who actively decide together, rather than slide into major milestones, report greater satisfaction in their relationship. This idea comes from the work of relationship researcher Scott Stanley, who emphasizes how intentional decision-making supports long-term partnership health.
So, How do I know if I am sliding or deciding?
Understanding whether you’re sliding or deciding in your relationship comes down to how intentional your choices are. Here’s a few examples of how this can show up in your partnership:
Determining the status of the relationship:
Sliding: At a family barbecue, people start calling your partner your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” Neither of you corrects it, and it just becomes the label; even though you’ve never had the conversation.
Deciding: You and your partner sit down and have an intentional conversation about how you define the relationship, and what label feels right for both of you.
Moving in together:
Sliding: Your partner is already spending most nights at your place, and when their lease is up, it just makes sense financially to have them move in. You figure, "You're always here anyway," and splitting rent sounds easier. There’s no real discussion about what this change means for the relationship or your future.
Deciding: You talk openly about what living together represents, whether it’s a step toward marriage, a way to deepen the relationship, or a trial period to see how compatible you are long-term. You align on expectations, responsibilities, and goals before making the move.
As relationships evolve and individuals seek to deepen their commitment, whether it's deciding to live together, have a child, or get married, making thoughtful decisions can have a significant impact on the future of the relationship.
If you're ready to bring more intentionality to your partnership and make mindful choices about your relationship’s path, consider working with a therapist on our team.
Partnering with a therapist can help you explore realistic expectations for compatibility, learn effective ways to understand your partner before making commitments that limit future options, and develop strategies to navigate the different phases of courtship. A therapist can also guide you in building essential communication skills to strengthen your connection as your relationship grows.
By: Kelley Tokarski, Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC #14215) is under the supervision of Curt Widhalm, LMFT #47333
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References:
Owen, J., Rhoades, G. K., & Stanley, S. M. (2013). Sliding versus Deciding in Relationships: Associations with Relationship Quality, Commitment, and Infidelity. Journal of couple & relationship therapy, 12(2), 135–149. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2013.779097
Stanley, S.M., Rhoades, G.K. and Markman, H.J. (2006), Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect*. Family Relations, 55: 499-509. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00418.x
