How to get more of what you want

Using effective communication strategies can greatly enhance both personal and professional aspects of life. From resolving conflicts with peers or loved ones, having meaningful debates with colleagues, or simply just asking for what you need, using this structured approach can improve the way we communicate and therefore increase the likelihood of success. Let’s take a look at exactly what this method is and how it can be applied to different situations to enhance communication.

Initially developed as a part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) by Marsha Linehan to assist people with emotion dysregulation and to improve interpersonal effectiveness skills, the DEAR MAN skill has been shown to be useful for anyone. Let’s explore the details of this technique and how to apply them: 

DEAR (what you do):

D: Describe the situation/issue

Whether you are attempting to ask for something you want or are in a debate with someone, start by setting the stage. Be as clear and objective as possible, stick to facts, avoid judgments or subjectivity. By doing so we set a clear intention of what is to be addressed and avoid misinterpretation. 
i.e. I have noticed that you have been coming home a few hours late from work this past week without updating me on when you are going to be home.

E: Express emotions/opinions

Once the stage has been set and it is clear what is being addressed, express now how this issue affects you. This is the time to express how the issue makes you feel and to express your experience of the situation. Remember to use “I” statements and remain respectful. 

i.e. This makes me feel confused and worried, and it also makes it difficult to make plans when I do not know where you are or when you will be home. 

A: Assert solutions

Now is the time to assert a solution. Be as specific as possible in describing the solution as it relates to the issue and what you want to change. 

i.e. It would be helpful if you could update me in the morning before you go to work on when you plan to be home, and if something comes up during the day you could update me. 

R: Reinforce the benefits 

Reinforce how the solution will be beneficial to all parties involved with facts and reason. 

i.e. I think this could be useful in easing some of my worries and confusion, and it can help us have better communication so we can make plans for the future. 

MAN (how you do it):

M: Mindfully

Be mindful (or aware) of the circumstances surrounding your request as context can have a major impact on a conversation. Be present in the moment, avoid distractions or side topics, be aware of who the other party is and the circumstances surrounding the conversation and adjust accordingly.

i.e. If you are talking with someone who tends to sidetrack or dismiss the topic, redirect back to the topic and restart the process.

A: Appear Confident

Confidence is key! Speak clearly, maintain eye contact and good posture. When we present as insecure or not confident in our remarks, it is easier to dismiss or step over what we are trying to say. 

N: Negotiate

Be willing to negotiate and work with the other parties involved to reach a mutually beneficial conclusion.

i.e. It would be helpful if you could update me in the morning before you go to work on when you plan to be home, and if something comes up during the day you could update me when you are able.

The DEAR MAN skill is a very useful interpersonal tool to help improve difficult conversations. While it may feel off when first trying it out, like with any new skill, it takes practice to master, so the more you use it the better you will get at it. The next time you need to ask for something or are in a tough debate, try out DEAR MAN! 

By: Jackson Wall, LMFT